My Camp Describe A moment

I am going to share my writing and I hope you can image which moment this was. Please leave a comment down below about what you thought the moment was.

My personal learning goal is:

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WALT: describe a moment in time.

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Planning (4 sentences ONLY):

I see…people surfing, water, life jackets, and wet suit also waves.   I hear… The water, waves, people encouraging. I feel…  scared , excited , awesome. , proud. I wonder… how there were so many big waves?

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Signs of Success (Success Criteria):

I will have been successful when I have used:	Self	Partner or Teacher
written in the present tense	Yes	Yes
interesting language features (adjectives, adverbs, verbs, simile, metaphor, alliteration, idiom, onomatopoeia)	Yes	Yes
a range of sentences effectively for planned impact (short sentences used for pace and impact, longer sentences to move the action along)	Yes	Yes
use 5 (or a mix of) senses to paint a picture in the reader’s mind hear/see/feel/touch/taste	Ye	Yes
used paragraphs (topic sentence and supporting ideas)		Yes

Today’s learning focus is: to write an introduction that hooks the reader in.

Signs of Success (Success Criteria):

I will have been successful when I have used:	Self	Partner or Teacher
Show don’t tell e.g. onomatopoeia, speech, question, describe the setting, action	Yes	Yes
Language features e.g. simile, metaphor, alliteration idiom	Yes	Yes
VCOP	Yes	Yes

Remember: great writers use VCOP in ALL writing!

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Begin writing your writing here:

One winter morning, I got up and wore my swimming suit and put my clothes in top.I ran outside and started doing activities, I took my clothes off and put my wet suit on. I wore my life jacket and sat on a log. I listen to the instructor and ran into the water. I tried but I couldn’t do it and so Mrs Archer helped me and as I went with the waves it felt like i was the main one and it made me feel  proud. I was scared and nervous but then I felt awesome like I was flying. But luck James, Ashlyn, Lolo they got to stand and went all the way. But our instructor Gus had done a flip and he was an expert. I felt awesome because I was in the middle of the waves. I could see people laughing, and smiling it was a really good moment. I could hear Mrs Kingston's photos clicking and people saying “ohh” and blaming others that they bumped them. I could see Tui enjoying. It started to spit and then it stopped, and it was Sunny. It wasn’t raining much but it was raining. At the end I threw my life jacket.

Your next step is to : have less detail.

Marked by : Tuitofa Nuuola

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The Edited piece of my writing.

I felt Awesome and I accidentally drank some salt water.I felt proud like I was the main one in the middle of the waves. I could see waves in front of me,  I felt awesome when I caught my first wave and it was so cool.